foggy blue sky

2010-06-05T13:02:00.004+05:30

there are times when i regret not being able to write poems. i wish God had granted me with this one wish if not anything else.
i love poetry and i love reading poems-provided that i'm able to understand it,of course.i absolutely admire those who can express every emotion by weaving in simple words. i'm amazed every time i come across a simple yet highly expressive line...and i'm filled with awe,regret and envy. :(
i did try my hand at poetry once,but the outcome was too embarrassing and juvenile to be put up for public display.
conventionally,people who are artistically inclined have the ability of painting beautiful pictures with simple words.although i'm not even halfway through this mind boggling and utterly confusing process of self discovery,i've always believed myself to be more oriented towards arts than science.alright,lets not raise eyebrows here,for i KNOW i've opted for science subjects,but my first love will always be literature. as a result,i did secretly hope that one day i might just accidentally come across the hidden poet in me.
but alas..that was never meant to be..for i still have to struggle for words everytime i experience something that sweeps me off my feet.
this shall always be one regret in my life..and i believe i have to make do with admiring and envying all those lucky folks who get supreme satisfaction out of expressing their feelings through their beautifully woven words.
kudos,to all you poets out there.

updates.

2010-03-08T16:37:00.002+05:30

back after a long long time.i wouldnt say i didnt get time.i did.but i was too lazy to type things down.not good,i know.

well,lots have happened..since my last post was in october and its march now...theres a lot to be shared.

for one,all those who know what spectrum is,must also be knowing that this was yet another spectrum year.and this time,i was privilidged enough to observe this mega event from a different perspective. being one of the anchors this time..it was a whole new experience.everyday trips to industry house and being treated like a "somebody" was definitely a great feeling..and i thank God for giving me this opportunity.had i not got it,i would have lost out on meeting some wonderful people and getting to know some others from a different angle. yes,another noteworthy thing is that this time,we got the honour of meeting amitabh bacchan as well. :)

exams have started and i'm halfway through.

a week and a half before my exams started,on the 16th of feb,my grandfather expired. for him,it was an obvious relief from his pains.its a day i wouldnt like to recall,but this was possibly the first time i saw death up so close.the only relief i get out of this situation is that i went to meet him the day he passed away.i wouldnt say that he got to know i had come;he was in a semi coma, but its just a relief that i went to see him while he was still there. this was the first time i felt somebody so close go away,and i just dont know how to explain the feeling when i touched his cold arm. knowing him throughout my life,all the memories i had with him came rushing to me that day.

his visits on birthdays,his numerous gifts of frooti's and chawanprash, his dedication and insistence that he would cover our school books, that one day in spring when me,ma and didi would go and stay over one day after exams..walking down that small lane with mossy walls to see him sitting on his favourite chair with a mane of silver hair..going to meet him after getting my report card to show him my grades..his goodbye kisses...and the way he used to hold my hand when i said "ashchi dadubhai.."..as if he didnt want to let me go.

its been a pleasure knowing you,dadubhai. thank you for all the love i got from you these 16 years. not many people get the good fortune of having grandparents,and i'm thankful that you were there.i'm happy with the memories i have, for whatever happens,these memories cant be thrust into electric pyres and burnt to ashes.

random

2009-10-25T23:17:00.004+05:30

just a random thought which struck me.

okay.suppose there is a certain something which you value a lot.more than anything or anybody.you would give or take lives to protect that something.but then one day,situations force you to give it up.you cry,plead and pray so that you dont have to give it up.but well,you dont seem to have any other choice.
and ultimately,when you do gather up the courage to give it up,you get to know that you dont really have to.things can be normal even if you dont give it up.thus,you are left with no choice but to embrace it again,and even if you do embrace it,you realize that somewhere down the line,the fierce passion to keep it as your possession is fading away.you care for it,but not as much.you would cry plead and pray if you ever have to give it up again,but you would also know how to let go of it.you would know that when once you have had the courage to give up what you want the most,you'd have the courage to give it up again-if ever the need arises.and i guess thats what is known as strength.having the courage to give up what you want...more than anything or anybody.

a very very random post.it might just confuse you. :)

gone with the wind

2009-10-11T22:55:00.001+05:30

This entry has long been overdue.This is in dedication to Margaret Mitchell's epic love story,Gone With The Wind.
Keeping the Civil War as the backdrop,Margaret Mitchell did a highly commendable job with the book.The horrors of the war and the events were vividly described and a shiver ran down my spine at every gory detail.

Personally,the character of Scarlett O'Hara is my favourite.She is shown as a typical human being-not as some saintly virtuous protagonist who sacrificed everything for her family and loved ones.Scarlett O'Hara is a ruthless,unscrupulous,practical and selfish woman.She did what she did for herself and for nobody else.But in spite of what she did,one is left with no choice but to respect and admire her strong and undaunted personality.

Rhett Butler is a cynical character and an egoist.Despite his attempts to hide his love for Scarlett with mockery of her character and inspite of wondering whether he truely loves Scarlett,I could not but help like his character.He is definitely not my definition of an ideal man-but he has a certain aura of wickedness about him which is highly seducing.He is the "bad guy"-one whom society despises-and mothers warn their daughters about-but this is precisely what makes Rhett Butler so attractive and desirable.

While I was in the midst of reading this book,somebody asked me," Why are you reading this book?" Amazed,I had replied that i wanted to and asked her why she had asked such a question.To that,she smiled and said,"last obdi por,bujhbi."
I strongly believe in happily ever afters, so needless to say,the end came as a huge shock.It seemed so unjustified that one should fall in love with the other when the other had already fallen out of love.But the end is probably what makes the book so special.Every word of Rhetts departing speech is a blow to both Scarlett and the readers,and although you want to cry at the unfairness of it all,it seems so practical and obvious that the tears just dont seem to come out.

All in all,Gone With The Wind did have a special effect on me,and just as the book keeper of the golpark footpath bookstore said to me,"This is one book you must have at home."

:)

2009-08-31T14:43:00.001+05:30

I would like to dedicate this entry to three very special women of my life.

1. I wouldn’t be, if you weren’t there. You are my God, my strength and my weakness, my beginning and my end. I’ve felt you around me..as my canopy..for 16 years and 13 months now..as my pillar of support,my ocean of faith. Nobody can ever love me as unconditionally as you do,inspite of the rude arrogant monster that I am. You are an enigmatic and wonderful woman,and I’m proud to be YOUR daughter. You inspire me in a way nobody can.“ I owe everything I have,to you…mother sweet mother of mine…”

2. This is to the lady who wished me into this earth.The lady, who was then a five year old-and who prayed to God to give her a baby sister. Thank you. Inspite of all the terrible fights we have, I’ve come to love you unconditionally in the last 16 years. You are a strong girl and I respect you and admire you for the person you are. May you get all the happiness you ask for,for I don’t know a second person who deserves it as much as you do. You are…..” the sister of my heart…”

3. The best friend I never had. Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be me when I’m with you. Thank you for all the moments we spent together. Thank you for being my mirror…and my treasure trove of secrets.
I don’t know where we’ll be 10 years from now and how things might be..but I’ll always love you for being there during my worst lows and the best highs.

“You ask me how,
I know, its true
That the kingdom of heaven
Abides in you.

Well, I’ve seen it there
And I’ve heard Gods voice
Each time you make
My heart rejoice.”

Now.

2009-07-28T14:33:00.002+05:30

Exams are on,but funnily it doesn't seem so.
I'm not studying the amount I'm supposed to and I dont know what's gonna happen. Like every other 16/17 year old who's just come up to the 11th,I'm suffering from the "oh-its-11-so-i-wont-expect-to-pass" syndrome.
And the countless bandhs have in fact helped me get into this holiday mood right in the middle of the exams.

I just want to get over with thursday.And then..my holiday begins. :)

This is a lousy post,so kindly pass.

Results!!

2009-05-21T22:29:00.002+05:30

Well,I managed to scrape a 92.8% in my boards.And I have no idea how!
It was a pensive night on the 19th..and i finally dozed off at 3:30,after finishing half a bottle of grappo fizz, one short story, and one episode of tom and jerry.
Sohini had come over on the morning of the 20th,for she wanted to check her results along with me. I truely can't explain how we spent that half hour between 10:30 to 11.
But just nanoseconds before the screen displayed my result,i became numb.And even after I got my marks,I felt...nothing.I somehow managed to calculate my percentage..with shaky hands. But again,I felt nothing.Absolutely nothing.For it just did not sink in.
And to be absolutely frank now,I did not expect this result in my wildest dreams! I was losing my sleep the night before thinking of what might happen if I got a 70%. Getting a 90%...was..well..i just drove that thought out every time it entered my mind!
But now that it has finally been absorbed by my system,all I feel is wonder.At how i managed to do it.I never completed solving more than five test papers for any subject.I never stayed up late,nor did i wake up early.Neither did i spend more than 4 hours studying continuously.I never made notes,and I never followed the ones I had.But all i actually did was read the text.And I went for the exams feeling totally unprepared.
Before anything else however,I must say that a whole lot of credit goes to my mum.After a tedious year of screaming,shouting,crying,howling...I must thank my mum,for had it not been for her constant recorded speeches and wise shooing aways,i probably would not have got what i have.

I'm happy for everybody who fared well,for i know how it feels to see a years hard work bearing fruit.I'm happy that I've been able to cross one small hurdle in life..although I know there are "miles to go before I sleep".....! I'm happy that Ive made a few people happy..for this is the least I can do to repay them.
Thank you dear Lord,for being with me. I love you. :)

P.S- NEVER EVER stop believing in wishing on mail-vans.They do come true. :)

2009-05-10T20:42:00.000+05:30

I went to meet dadubhai at his place that day.All along the way,i was pretty much normal,but just before entering his room...i dont know why,i said a quick prayer to myself...asking God for strength.However,what I saw inside was far worse than what I had imagined.Due to old age,his heart has weakened,and the oxygen carrying capacity of his blood has lessened.As a result,his responses arent working properly.He cant speak,he cant walk,he cant move...all he could do when I went in,was look at me.I dont know if he could recognize me,but it was traumatic to see what remained of him.I couldnt understand what his eyes said...for they didnt say much.They were completely blank.
And this time,prayers wont work.For there is no hope.And when there isnt any,what can one pray for? A miracle? But how long would that last?
When i got back home,the irony of the situation struck me hard.My dadubhai was a lawyer.A man of a thousand words.Today,words fail to escape him.
Life is strange,indeed.

2009-05-10T19:05:00.000+05:30

THE DAYS NOW.

2009-05-03T22:59:00.000+05:30

Things are going pretty bad these days.
To begin with,dadubhai's admitted to the nursing home,and chances are that he might not improve.his heart is probably giving out,and the worst part is...he's not being able to communicate with anybody.
And I haven't yet gone to meet him,because I hate going to hospitals to meet people.It just doesn't seem right.But I might just have to go,before its too late.Yes,"before its too late". There is a possibility that it might be too late.So...well,things are miserable.

School...is tiring.Apart from today,the last few days in Calcutta were ridiculously hot,and every ounce of energy was sucked out of my body by continuous slogging at school and tuitions.

Plus,I'm lacking sleep,and my eyes feel like they've been cello taped open forever.

As for Rabindra Jayanti practice at school..well,Blue House has made a resolution that we will NOT come third AGAIN this year.Sure we wont.But we'll definitely come last.

And today was the first day i ever became scared of a thunderstorm.Me,who's absolutely and hopelessly in love with thunderstorms,was afraid of the same.But well,thats because mom and dad weren't there at home,and the window pane just cracked into two..and I had to sit there holding it for ten long minutes during which I wondered what I should do.
Yes,I'm a loser,I know.
Even if I'm not,right now,I'm having this strong feeling that I am.

2009-04-07T20:32:00.000+05:30

FROM MY JOURNAL II

Today,one of my friends helped a blind man get onto a bus.Nothing that would makee headlines of course,but definitely something most of us would rather not do.

Growing up in a city where more than half the population are below the poverty line,it has been a common sight to me to see ragged people stranded on the pavements.As a child,the feeling to help them out was quite intense,but somewhere along the process of growing up,that feeling got buried under a variety of other emotions.They became a part of Calcutta,and like many others,I too,accepted it the way it was.

There has been a number of times when these ragged souls have tugged at my sleeves and asked for help.And although deep down inside,we all want to help,but due to some unfathomable reason,we choose to turn away;pretending that they do not exist.

Today,this blind old man was standing on one such pavement and asking passers by to help him get onto a bus.And like always,most of the people walked by...pretending he wasn't there...pretending not to hear his pleas of help. But this friend of mine walked straight to him and led him to the correct bus. My friend said,"It was a lovely feeling,seeing his smile and getting his blessings."

And isn't that what all this is about? Getting these simple pleasures from helping the needy,and knowing that you've done a good deed?
It made me realize how selfish i truely am.Frankly,I would never have done what my friend has done today.

I salute my friend today for what he has done.It takes a lot of courage,really.

( 16th March 2009)

2009-04-07T16:14:00.000+05:30

FROM MY JOURNAL I

I just finished with the last history exam of my life.History is finally HISTORY!

But its not really a happy day today.One of my aunts in Delhi succumbed to cancer.She was in a critical state for quite a few days,and the doctors had said that there was no hope.
And although they say that there is no hope,deep down inside,a small voice prays for a miracle. A miracle that could save somebody's life.A somebody who is someone's wife,someone's sister,someone's mother.
Its probably a good thing she went away the way she did,for it saved her a lot of pain.But,inspite of all the tubes and treatments,she was alive.That small fact that she was alive gave people the tiny hope that maybe,somehow,someday,she'll be okay.And now when that hopes gone,I can imagine the void that has been created.
Most of all, I'm filled with an overwhelming sorrow for my cousin who's just a few years older than me.I can't imagine how it must have felt to wake up every morning and wonder whether your mum is going to make through the day.I have no idea how she went through all that,but I respect her and admire her because she did.
I truely do not know what else to write,because this is one of those helpless situations when you just don't know how to react.
I hope and wish that wherever my jethi is,she is at peace.

( 23rd March 2009)